TickTickTickTickTick…

You know the stopwatch that begins 60 Minutes? That’s what I hear in my head lately. Tttttttttttt…

What the hell is that about?

I am certainly tired of being poor. I’m tired of getting my ass beat by creditors calling me 4,6 even 10 times a day wanting money I don’t have. I’m tired of eeking my way through life. But, honestly, it’s nothing I cannot weather. I realize the aforementioned is all my fault and I’m willing to pay the price. So, the pressure must be coming from somewhere else.

And yet, I hesitate to call it “pressure”. In fact, I don’t think that is the right word to describe it. What is the right word? I don’t know…

What I feel is more intrinsic. Perhaps this pressing need TO DO SOMETHING is my way of giving the finger to the situations that I have gotten myself into. It’s my way of proving to myself that I’m not a loser… that I’m a lot more than a bottom of the barrel credit score. It’s my way of raging against the dying of the light. I have gone down swinging all my life. I regret nothing. I can look at life with pride.

Fighting gives me hope. Fighting for my place, my space, my name, my little piece gives me peace of mind. I do not scrap and toil for my own little spit of prosperity merely because of pride however. Nor do I wage this battle for money, material possessions or creature comforts. I do not give a damn about those things. They are not the Way to peace and happiness. I fight for my own place because my own place is the only thing I believe in that is worth working toward. I fight because I believe it’s possible to win.

Win my own spot and make a living in my own way. Defeat all the doubters with action. Prove that focus, due diligence, hard work and self-discipline can make a man appear lucky. And let the man know luck did not have a goddamn thing to do with it.

My solace right now is my work and my family. Everything else that doesn’t help me focus on my goals or refresh my energy is merely a distraction. It’s amazing how the sharp blade of self-discipline can whittle away distraction.

It took me losing just about everything I own to understand what it means to believe in myself. We get everything we choose to work toward. As long as we understand how work is truly defined. How simple. In a complicated sort of way.

I enjoy the ticking clock. It is not pressure. No, not pressure. To me it’s all in how you define the moment.  Nervousness becomes excitement; pain becomes stimulus; failure becomes feedback; obstacles turn into stepping stones; self-doubt becomes reflection; belief becomes action; fear becomes courage. Pressure becomes drive. Just remember to take in the view along the way.