I write a lot of existential stuff here. Philosophical stuff. Deep shit. This is how my mind operates and I make no apologies. If you like it, I’m glad. If you don’t, click the back button. In saying that, however, there is a problem contemplating all that ethereal hibbidy-dibbidy: the only time all this ideology makes any difference is when it is applied to action.
Action is the nuts and bolts, the brass tacks, the twig and berries. No action equals no discovery. All theory and no action equals a corrupt version of reality. All action and no thought usually leads to dire conclusions. Action and ideology must work in concert to be effective, to be worth a shit, to allow us to live in an honest fashion.
My actions are not always just, nor can I always justify my actions. I’m human, I make mistakes. I act out of impulse, emotion, impatience. Hopefully this ebbs as I grow older but, nevertheless, it happens. I am not always sure of my ideology just as I am not always sure of my actions. In my efforts to evolve, I try to listen. I try to communicate effectively. I try to empathize. I try to learn. I try to realize that what is right for me may not be right for others. I’m still learning, but I only learn through action.
I am hungry for a career path. I see two directions I can go: 1. teach in educational institutions (school) or 2. teach in physical institutions (gyms). In either discipline I would like to further my education, maybe earn my doctorate. A Ph.D will take a bit of time, but I’m going to die someday so what have I got to lose? What I am afraid of losing is more time. I want to somehow turn this choice into an action in 2010. I’m ready to embark. I’m waiting on the train.
I sit here, weighing pros and cons. Weighing options. Weighing the weight of my responsibility I now have toward my daughter and her mom. Weighing my foreseeable future. Wondering at my unforeseen future. I hem and I haw. I contemplate. I plan. I set both avenues in motion but the paths are diverging soon and soon it shall be time to choose. Soon it will be time to act.
And I wonder, am I ready? Have I prepared? Where will my ideology and action meet?