My Thoughts On My First Year As A Coach

I have just wrapped up my first season as an assistant coach for Team Palmetto, a select high school lacrosse program that takes high school age athletes from all over the state of South Carolina and pits them against other quality, select teams in the South. We played tournaments in Wilmington, Charlotte and Tampa. We placed first in our division in Wilmington and second in our divisions in both Charlotte and Tampa. All in all, a very good show for a very young program.

It was my very first year as a coach, ever. It was one of the most rewarding experiences I’ve ever had.

I believe in accountability, integrity, unselfishness, hard work, a strong foundation in fundamentals, and discipline when it comes to athletics. These virtues have served me well both on the field and in my personal life as well. It was my hope to pass along why I hold these things dear and why the 20-plus athletes I got to coach might find them helpful as well, both on the field and in their future endeavors. Did I succeed?

In that respect, I can only say this: I watched 20-plus teenagers catch glimpses of what it means to be a man of stature in life. I watched them slowly wrap their brains around patience, unselfishness, hard work, respect and honor. I watched them fall, I watched them get back up. I watched them sweat, I watched them hurt and I watched them smile. I watched them win, I watched them lose. I watched them listen, I watched them revert. I watched them learn. I watched them evolve. I watched them grasp character.

That’s all I wanted to be a part of: watching them learn, watching them evolve into men of character. If they have learned then they have not failed. If they have learned, then I have not failed. In life, their successes will be theirs and theirs alone. I cannot take credit for anything because success, and submission, are all personal choices. But it’s nice to think that, in some small way, maybe they learned something from me along the way that they might be able to call on when things get tough; when it looks like quitting is the only answer and quitting is the last thing they want to do. I may have coached for free, but the aforementioned is my payment.

I live in Hilton Head, South Carolina. During our last tournament, the Hilton Head parents of the 8 kids who made Team Palmetto were gathered in a hotel room and I went to drop off some paperwork. They asked me, with the head coach of the Hilton Head lacrosse team present, if I wouldn’t mind helping coach their children some more with the Hilton Head program come this spring. I was kind of taken aback. Can you imagine a parent trusting you with their kids development in the game and as a person like that so unanimously? I fell silent.

In a way it validated what I believed I was trying to do and, at the same time, it was very, very humbling. I take a request like that as a huge responsibility and am in no way sure that I am the man for such a job. I was kind of at a loss for words so I told them simply what I felt. I told them it would be an honor.

I made so many, many mistakes this year. So many. So, so many. But I learned from every one of them. I hope those athletes, those boys I saw begin their turn toward manhood, learned from their mistakes as well. That’s the point. If we learn then we have not failed.

The Unforseen And Practically Impossible Events That Unfolded In Less Than 20 Minutes On 13, November, 2009

First off, let me begin by saying that I love being a dad. My four-month old daughter takes my breath away every day with her beauty. She makes me laugh, she makes me wonder. She makes me say, “Holy shit! Did that just happen?”

It’s that  “holy shit” moment that I’d like to share with you now.

On November, 13, after a long day, I decided to feed my daughter pureed carrots for the first time while my significant other ran errands. By first time I mean, it was the first time she would have carrots, not the first time I would be feeding her. I’m a hands-on type of dad and spoon feeding my little princess is not a big deal. On the contrary, it’s usually good for a giggle or two. But not today.

There was a great philosopher, I forget his name, who once said,”Only when you’re tired and alone will shit go wrong.” Maybe it was Murphy. First off, unbeknownst to me, pureed carrots from Gerber have the consistency of tomato soup; way too viscous for a young lady who thinks the epitome of self-actualization is drooling and blowing bubbles with her saliva. Also unbeknownst to me, my daughter does not like pureed carrots. As a result, I was way underprepared with the necessary cleaning products for our feeding. At the end of our dining experience we both looked like mutilated zombie extras in Dawn of the Dead.

We headed up to wardrobe and changed.

Back down on the couch I began playing with her little feet and blowing little poofs of air in her smiling face. Cute, right? I thought so. However, playing with my daughter’s feet for some reason, usually gets her to poop. Which isn’t usually a big deal, except for today. Now, what I am about to share with you is all true and happened just the way I describe it. Even the most implausible and impossible parts of the story. I mean it. Really.

My baby began pooping, and it was a big poop. Again, this is no big deal. I have seen this before. What I didn’t see was that, due to my daughter’s prolific explosion of feces, her diaper had become faulty. The poop kept coming, my tired eyes not taking in the totality of the situation until I picked her up for her diaper change. Her pink pants had become stained with dark spots. My pants and my shirt were batting clean up to this diaper breach and I suddenly realized something: we were in a Code Red Crap Situation.

I sprang from the couch emitting the necessary, most likely obligatory and completely reactionary statement, “Are you freakin’ kidding me?” She giggled. I held her out at arm’s length and looked my child in the eye. She looked at me and her face said it all. If she could’ve spoke she would’ve said, “What?” I paused there in the living room, holding my baby in outstretched arms, poised in some kind of odd half crouch stance for some reason, wondering what to do. First things first, we needed to get to wardrobe and put these crap flames out before we had a full-scale crap inferno.

Now, from the living room to my child’s room is exactly 16 stairs upward and 5 steps down a hallway. Not, by any means, an insurmountable distance. But, I noticed that somehow, crap was spreading over my child like some kind of hyperkinetic rash as she bounced in my hands up the stairs laughing at all this fun. Crap had steamrolled down my child’s leg and into her sock. Crap had seeped up my child’s jacket and was now on her hand. Crap moved from my clothes to my skin. It seems a lot can happen in 16 stairs and 5 steps.

When we got to my daughter’s room I found myself still holding her, arms still outstretched, legs still in some kind of ready-for-anything crouch position and vacillating between changing table and crib. I think I might have been muttering something intelligent like, “Um. Uh. Ahhh. Ohhh. Um,” with each back and forth twist. Where does one put their crap filled child? They don’t write that one down in the manual. I opted for the changing table. Crap was now on my baby’s face. Crap was also now on my leg. Ahhhhh!!!

I wriggled out of my crap-stained t-shirt and did some kind of booty dance out of my shorts, losing a sock along the way for no reason other than it was a casualty of the situation. As far as I can acknowledge, my sock had remained crapless. I looked at my child. She was still smiling. Only one thought came to mind, “BATH!!!” I had to get the water running and make this transition from changing table to bathtub happen now.

For four months we have used our guest bathroom as the baby’s bathroom and, for four months, this has worked perfectly. Except for today. Today it seems my girlfriend thought it would be fun to do laundry circa the 1880’s. As far as I knew our washing machine was still fully operational, but today there was baby laundry all over the floor of the tub. Dear God, why is this happening?

I grabbed our baby’s wash basin and sprinted into our other bathroom, my one sock not impeding my progress at all. I turned on the water rapidly and tested it. Too damn hot, damn it! I backed down the water and noticed that filling the wash basin for baby’s bath was vastly harder in this tub than in the guest tub. Awesome. I sprinted back to the baby. All of this took less than 30 seconds and crap had not spread much further on my child.

She was a mess. I began stripping her down and noticed that with each layer I peeled back the mess worsened. “We’re gonna need more handi-wipes.” Then, I gagged. Oh no. Once I start gagging I can rarely stay focused enough to not vomit in my mouth or something much worse. If there was some kind of label that happened after a Code Red, like Code You Have No Hope Of Surviving, this was the tipping point. ”Relax!” I told myself. “It’s just mud. Pretend it’s just mud.” That worked, somehow. Some men rise to the occasion, some men fall I guess, landing in a pool of their own vomit. I wiped her down with moist wipes as best I could and threw her soiled diaper into the diaper bin, it was ten pounds if it was an ounce and loaded with sludge. I hightailed it to the bathroom, baby in outstretched arms, crap still on my hands and on baby’s face.

I tested the water. Still too hot! Why God? Why? I dumped it out, balancing baby on one leg, leaving crap on my leg. I refilled it with cooler water and put baby in. Things were looking up. Now I just needed soap. Soap… oh, no. Damn thee, soap, you are where you should be, but not where I need thee. The soap, shampoo and towels for my child where all in the guest bathroom where they usually are kept. Nice. I picked my child back out of the tub and, dripping wet, we ran to the guest bathroom where we balanced on my crap covered leg yet again and Dad adeptly gathered all he needed with one hand.

Then we scrubbed. Then we inspected. Then we scrubbed some more. Then we inspected again. Then we dried off. Then we reclothed in pajamas for a total of 3 outfit changes in less than 2o minutes. Then we put the crap stained clothing into the carrot stained clothing pile for Mom. Then we went downstairs.

Now, apparently while all this was going on upstairs, one of the cats had had too much too eat or a furball had become too much to bear because there, in the foyer, right on the welcome mat at the front door, sat a huge puddle of thick cat puke. I then realized that this is exactly what is laid out Revelations 2:12, or maybe it was the Book of Job, and that the worst parts of the Bible were coming true before my very eyes. I wouldn’t be surprised if the next thing I sat on was a crown of thorns.

I sighed and brought my baby back into the living room and called my girlfriend. It was then that I noticed the couch had been soiled during the Code Red Crap Situation as well. Later, my girlfriend would clean our daughter’s clothes and remark, “Holy shit! Jesus Christ! There is shit inside her sock! Honey, look. Shit! Shit insiiide her sock!” I didn’t have to look, I knew. What part of “Code Red Crap Situation” did she not understand?

Jobless Again…

Lost my job on Thursday. The bar I was working at was sold to another  proprietor. I was told I would have a job when they re-opened in mid-January and I believe them. But, from now until then, I’m at a loss for work. I was in the same position last winter. Except, last winter my girlfriend was pregnant, and this winter we have an infant (a phenomenal infant, mind you) to take care of.

I have filed for unemployment and am waiting on the interview. I have finished my substitute teaching requirements and am waiting on a job. I have filled out an application for a part-time bartender position that isn’t really available at the time and am waiting to speak to the GM.

I have called the editor of one of the magazines I work for twice, emailed her once and texted her once, looking to pick up work. She hasn’t gotten back to me. I’ve tried to drum up work with the company that bought my restaurant, telling them I’d happily take a sledgehammer to stuff, haul trash or pound nails for some money. They said they might be able to help me. I have taken on extra copywriting work. I am taking an online alternative teaching course so that maybe I can become a teacher and this won’t happen next year. None of this, unfortunately, has resulted in much, as you can tell. This doesn’t do wonders for the family dynamic at home, let me tell ya.

My baby couldn’t care less. She is clothed, fed and loved. That’s all she gives a hoot about right now. My girlfriend, on the other hand, isn’t so easy to please. She worries. Who could blame her? She tells me I’m not doing enough. At least, that’s what I hear anyway. I love her. I know she loves me. I hate that she feels this way; all this anxiety, fear and stress. She’s even held it over my head that she has a job and I don’t. It makes me sad, even angry.

When I worked three jobs this summer and brought home the lion’s share of the money, I never held it over her head. I just gave her all my money and let her pay the bills. Part of me doesn’t want to speak to her right now, part of me knows that’s immature.  Nothing I can say is right. Nothing I do is good enough. That’s hard on a guy, on anybody…

None of this is really fair, but since when did fairness have anything to do with anything? We’ll be fine, if we don’t kill each other first. One day this will make a great story. This too shall pass.

 

Rumblings and Ramblings

I haven’t been writing much. At least, not here. It’s hard to pin down exactly why. It could be a lack of time. It could be a lack of interest. It could be that I haven’t paid my WordPress bill. In truth it is none of those things.

There is never a lack of time for that which we love. If you love it, you MAKE time for it. It’s not a lack of interest then either. I’ve also paid my bill. So what could it be? Perhaps it is merely this: it’s become difficult to put together a cohesive thought lately.

So much is going on that I don’t feel lost at all, but rather swept up in my life. The dam has broken and the flood waters are ripping through my figurative town. I’m in the moment, and sometimes it’s really difficult to reflect and come to terms with things here in this blog, as I so often like to do, when I’m struggling to stay afloat and wondering where this path will lead. I don’t even really know why I like to reflect. I have a need for clarity for some reason. The more I search, the less clear some things become. Each door opens to a new door.

I like that. It makes my past easier to understand and invigorates me when it comes to exploring my future.

Not all my discoveries are universal. Some are just for me. And as I try to make sense of things I also try to find my path in life that will keep my family secure and keep my soul intact. I have learned this though as of late: on the journey to one’s purpose there is much you must give up and there is much you can gain. The trick is figuring out what to discard and what to pursue. That answer is different for each one of us.

There is no one right way, and anyone who has the audacity to believe there is should be either ignored or outright shunned. No one speaks for me, but me. It is the same for you. You cannot be bullied into anything in this life. Whether you go or don’t go, do or don’t do, believe or don’t believe is your choice and your’s alone.

Fate makes us choose, choice determines our fate. It’s simple, in a complicated sort of way.

Things That Aren’t Okay.

Things that aren’t okay:

• It’s not okay to interrupt someone when they are trying to make a point. If everybody shouts, nobody gets heard and nothing gets solved. This is both juvenile and ridiculous. Not to mention ineffective.
• It’s not okay to pretend to have the facts and then try to sway others to your opinion. This is merely marketing and quickly shows your ignorance to those who have been educated objectively and dispassionately.
• It’s not okay to be so arrogant as to think that not only are you the only one in the room with an opinion that matters, but your opinion is the one that matters most and therefore must be heard at any cost. This is the destruction of civility and the promotion of anarchy. It too is juvenile. And possibly psychotic.
• It’s not okay to believe EVERY ONE of your answers is the correct answer for everyone. This is silly and pretentious.
• It’s not okay to refuse to lend an ear to those that might question your convictions in life. By listening to others you are able to either strengthen your resolve or loosen your grip on ideals which control your life; some of what you hold dear makes more or less sense as your understanding of how the world works grows. Either one is predominantly good for you.
• It’s not okay to have an expansive vocabulary yet use your big words wrong or in the name of obfuscation. That makes you an idiot or an ass.
• It’s not okay to embrace entitlement to a degree that represents you as the only one that matters in the room. Nobody else believes such a thing.
• It’s not okay for adults to throw temper tantrums when they don’t get what they want. The world is not fair. Most children by the age of 3 have realized this. Especially those with siblings.
• It’s not okay to remain silent on matters that you greatly object to, but picking your forum must be deliberated upon intelligently in order to find a way to best voice your opinions.
• It’s not okay to be snide, aggressive and personal in your attacks when the situation does not warrant such behavior; i.e. you are not being attacked personally to begin with. This is cowardice and vitriol.
• It’s not okay to stop this list here. But I’m going to. For now…
• Follow up: The next day I came across this on my workout website, crossfit.com. Kinda dug what Mark Helprin was riffing on here. Thought it might be timely to this post. But, hey, my answers certainly don’t have to be your answers. Things don’t seem so simple anymore…

Training For “The 10″

I have promised a friend that I will assist him in coaching an all-star team of high school athletes in the sport of lacrosse. I am both excited and terrified at the prospect.

Lacrosse is what I played in high school and college, long before I began searching for deeper levels of contest such as rugby, surfing and mma. Lacrosse allowed me to come to terms with the foundation of my character. It tested me long before I understood under what parameters I was being examined. The sport of lacrosse allowed me to take what my parents had taught me and forge it into my own set of values, rules for conduct and spirit. I still carry these virtues with me today. I still credit the game of lacrosse for showing me what my mother and father had spelled out for me since I was born but which I had to chose, on my own, when it was time.

Now I take this responsibility on my shoulders in an effort to bring it to the next generation. It is not so much a matter of “paying it forward” as it is a sense of necessary duty. This is what scares me. Will I do it right?

When it comes to physical contests (and life) I believe in one thing more than anything else: never quitting. I might slow down, I might puke, I might even get injured, but I believe in always pushing forward for as long as I am able. My body will have to break before my mind does. I practice this is the gym constantly. This mindset is my strength on the rugby pitch; the reason why I can outhit and outplay guys twice my size. I’ve never thought of myself as an athlete, I just despised failure. Not a failure on the scoreboard but failure to live up to, or exceed, my capabilities because I had grown mentally fatigued. I don’t mind getting hurt if I have given everything I have to give.

Most of the kids I coach will quit at some point in their life. It doesn’t make them bad people, it will just always make them wonder, “What could have been…” That’s a heavy load to bear in life. I want to teach these kids not just the game of lacrosse, but what the game can teach you about who you are; about the necessity of walking through life with your head up, even when you get beat on, if you have given all you have to give.

If I can teach them to give it all they’ve got all the time, to grow comfortable being uncomfortable, to reach for those Large, Big Things in their life, to treat mistakes as learning tools instead of failures, to keep going when they feel it’s impossible to take another step, to despise quitting so bad that they would rather puke, suffer injury or die; then, no matter what a scoreboard says, at the end of the day I will have accomplished what I have set out to do: made them realize what it means to be a man of character, that such honesty and virtue is a choice and that it lies within us all.

No big deal, right? Some kids will get it, most, I’m afraid, will not. Some will have it naturally but, if I can reach those kids who are on the fence in terms of this sort of character and show them a way to live life in which the word “regret” will never mean a goddamn thing, then I can sleep well.

We shall see soon enough. Thus far I have lived my life without regret. I plan on continuing this way for as long as I am on this earth. Regret is for pussies. If we persevere when things are at their worst, then what do we ever have to regret? We’re all gonna die some day, might as well go down standing up.

Perhaps Heraclitus said it best circa 500 B.C.: “Out of every 100 men, 10 shouldn’t even be there, 80 are just targets, 9 are the real fighters and we are lucky to have them, ah, but the one, one of them is a warrior… and he will bring the others back.”

I don’t see myself as a warrior but 34 years of battle in some way, shape or form (physical, psychological or both) have shown me that I am, with utmost humility, a fighter. I can live with that.

Passion. I Believe I’ve Found Mine. Now What?

I looked at my boss yesterday. I was bartending. He was busying himself picking up trash on the floor. The place was crowded. Everybody wanted something.

“What if you had a job you really liked everyday?” I asked him above the din.

He just smiled. “What a world it would be.”

See, both my boss and I don’t really like what we do for a living. But, times are tough and it’s a living. Not to mention that, even if you actually did have a job you liked going to everyday, some days it would still feel like a job. No matter how much you loved it. I’m not here to blog about that mythical “perfect existence” or whine about my current one. I’m here to delve into what I like to do as a means to a possible end for me as it pertains to my choice of work. You can come along if you wish or click the back button, it makes no difference to me. I’m not writing any of this for you.

Basically, the ideal job in life, in my opinion, boils down to passion. Follow your passion and you find yourself in an agreeable realm of work. Identifying those passions however can be difficult. For instance, somebody might say, “I like to watch baseball” or “I like to read.” Okay. Great. But what is it you like about those things? Is it the distraction they offer you? Is it recording statistics or exploring ideas? Is it the study of performance? Is it the questioning of knowledge, ability and technical understanding and how it pertains to output? What do you like about the things you like?

I enjoy writing. But what I really enjoy about writing is teaching somebody something new or sharing with them something they might not have known. Writing is not my passion, the latter is. I enjoy surfing, rugby, the pursuit of fitness and practicing mixed martial arts. While it’s true I enjoy the sport of these things what I’m really passionate about is testing myself; finding out who I am inside, finding out how much adversity I can take, finding out where I will break and pursuing my limitations.

When we realize not what we like to do, but the reasons we like doing them, then we have found our passion. The rest becomes elementary but no less challenging. Where can I work that will allow me to pursue my passion?

I have an idea what is right for me. We shall see if it is a fit when the time comes, because pursuit of purpose takes time… and, honestly, should never find an end. The work in our lives comes in positioning ourselves to take advantage of our passions when situations become available that allow us to pursue them. To be prepared, unafraid, willing and practical: a difficult recipe to get right.

Nevertheless, it shall always remain true, wherever we focus our attention we can find doors that yield to our passion. Walking through them is a completely separate choice. If we keep it simple, however, we can usually figure out what to do quite quickly.

Where’s The Objectivity These Days?

I think 24 hour news channels have ruined this country.

Admittedly I rarely watch them and I read very little in the newspapers these days. How can I have the audacity to make such a comment then? Because by taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture, the world oftentimes becomes a little clearer.

Look, the world, since its inception 4 billion years ago, has always been on the brink of disaster. Always. We live on a fragile planet and human beings are selfish, ignorant and fearful. We are not nearly as great as we think we are and in 10,000 years we have done more damage to our planet than what has happened in the last 3.5 billion; and I’m not talking about global warming either- the world warms and cools, that’s what it does, with or without human help. From a purely human standpoint economies rise and fall as much as regimes do, diseases spread no matter how technologically advanced we are or what god (or gods) we believe in. We still talk about this shit in the news as if it is something new. With the advent of the 24 hour news channel however, we seem to do it even more ignorantly.

On the rare occasion I watch these programs, all I see is reporting fueled by fear and speculation. Nobody does any reporting anymore. The only investigation-type programs I see happen in hour long specials once a week or in re-runs of the same programs set in blocks to fill time slots. And even they can be questionable as far as “slant”.

When did slant become part of the news? What happened to objectively reporting a story? Giving both sides and staying emotionally uninvolved? Was it erased with 24 hour news channels? I don’t know, but these stations surely exacerbate the problem of overnewsed and underinformed. Since when did opinion matter in a news report? Give me the facts and let me form my own idea on the subject. Don’t tell me your opinion on the matter and then ask me to agree or disagree. That’s unprofessional unless you are writing an editorial.

This stuff has become a joke. Does anybody consider the source anymore when hearing a report? What does it take to become an expert these days? Is anybody out there objective anymore- inside or outside of the media room? All I see the “news” doing these days is promoting fear. If you are afraid you will buy, you will tune in, you will be controlled. Fuhhhck thattt!!!

Disgusting. If these television stations, radio shows, media outlets, all imploded tomorrow the world would not become a better place, but it would move onward without as much innane chatter… maybe it would become a better place. Stop searching for the “breaking” story and just give me an actual story with pertinent facts you aren’t emotionally involved in, preferably something not about a dead pop star, some psycho douchebag walking into an office with a gun because he’s had a couple of bad days in a row or some chick murdering her children because she was tired of not being able to hit the bars with her friends.

How about some in-depth, objective, unslanted reporting on health care reform, autism fueled by vaccinosis, the insanity of sub-prime mortgage companies now offering to “help” their customers by finding them “better” loans than the ones they brokered in the first place for upfront cash fees, why we’re truly at war in the Middle East and what we need to understand about our enemy, his politics and his culture, who’s holding the contracts on the rebuilding of Iraq’s infrastructure, why do we still not have a functional solar powered automobile, why the rich are pissed off at higher taxes while the middle class has consistently footed the bill with increases in taxes for a majority of this country’s existence, why we don’t concentrate more on finding common ground with our enemies and going on from there, why we think the death penalty is worse than spending the rest of ones existence in a tight, dark cage and costs more than the latter… you know the kind of thing that might educate the country instead of serve the vested interests of the corporate giants that pay the bills and keep us stupid and consuming.

The kind of thing that might be professional. Simple. Uncomplicated. That might be some news.

Francesca Rose, Meet Planet Earth!

On Monday, June 29, 2009, at 7pm exactly, my daughter was born. And my life will never be the same again. Ever.

Francesca Rose was 8 pounds, 3 0unces and 21 inches long. We have been in the hospital the last few days as her amazing mother starts her recovery from a c-section. I have had 9 hours of sleep in the last three days and am, somehow, not tired. The birth of my child is, beyond all comparison to anything else that has thus far happened in my life, the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. The ups and downs that happen from here on out will all be worth it, no matter how high or low they go. A bold statement to be sure, but an unbreakable truism nonetheless.

Anybody who has perpetuated the species knows what I am talking about here. For those of you reading this who have not I can only explain the birth of my daughter like this: picture a time in your life (or times in your life if you’ve been doing it right) where you felt the most happiness, the most contentment, that you’ve ever felt before. A great date. A fantastic meal. A job well done. A past time thoroughly enjoyed. Now, multiply that by 100 and you’ll come close to feeling what I felt when I first saw my child.

Yes, it IS that amazing. At least, it was for me.

Billions of people, all going through their mundane little lives, have felt this same thing. Billions. Over thousands and thousands of years. I am not special. But I am. Because it’s MY daughter. It’s MY family. It’s MY mundane little life and it feels anything but. That is the power and the comedy of this whole thing. Life is funny. My daughter is beautiful. The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, or will ever see.

I have many more thoughts on this but, for right now, I’ve got to get back to the hospital. My family is waiting for me. And I miss them dearly.

Keep it simple.

Questions And Answers

For me and, I suspect, for most people, the answers to all our questions are everywhere. No matter where we go, there we are and no matter where we are, there we will find our answers. Life guides us, even serves us, if we are paying attention.

But you’ve got to pay attention. If you aren’t asking questions, if you aren’t paying attention, you’ll miss those little nuggets of existential gold and guideposts that so often lie right under your nose. When I can quiet myself, when I can listen, when I am aware: I see.

I was reading a book the other day called Many Lives, Many Masters. It was a fascinating true story about reincarnation from a renowned psychologist who never really gave such a thing a thought until he met a certain patient. Eventually, as he was able to regress his patient back through her previous lifetimes to confront certain paralyzing fears, he came across some guides, or Masters, on a completely other plane of consciousness. These Masters spoke to the doctor through his patient, doling out wisdom, expertise and direction when they saw fit. (Far out, I know, but captivating-at least for me-nonetheless.)

So here I am reading this book and going through a bit of a conundrum in my personal life. Should I become a teacher or shouldn’t I? I wanted to, but the path was seeming rather time-consuming and roundabout, not to mention that in the recent economic collapse, teaching jobs were being cut left and right. I thought about going back to copywriting and applying for work at a nearby marketing firm. The ideals behind teaching excited me while, at the same time, the ideals (as I saw them) behind copywriting I loathed. But there was more money in copywriting if I played my cards right and, perhaps, an immediate job opening.

I agonized over this. I made up a list of pros and cons while reading this book, Many Lives, Many Masters. I went back and forth, back and forth over what to do. I felt a little lost and more than a little confused. Then I read this in my book: “Our task is to learn, to become god-like through knowledge. We know so little. You are here to be my teacher. I have so much to learn. By knowledge we approach God, and then we can rest. Then we come back to teach and help others.” A Master had relayed this message to the doctor, the doctor had relayed this message to me. And then, suddenly, clarity was upon me.

I would pursue teaching. I would become a teacher. This quote resonated with something deep inside and I no longer had issues with my path. All my life I had been trying to teach, never understanding that that, indeed, was what I was trying to do.

Now, I ask you, if I wasn’t paying attention, how much longer would I have hemmed and hawed about my path? If I was paying attention earlier, how much sooner could I have invested myself in this path? We all learn at our own pace and all our answers are out there. 

But, keeping it simple and paying attention never hurts the process either.